Memoirs of love — 1

Some nights, I open my mailbox and go through some old mails that you sent me. It makes me feel so happy and so sad all at the same time. Happy, that I had the privilege to meet someone like you in this life, and sad to realize that person does not exist anymore.

I do not know why you chose to change. I do not know if I am completely or partially the reason for it. I just miss the person you used to be. May be you will find someone who will bring it out of you again, the person who smiles with his eyes and goofs around with glee. I really wish you do.

I am sorry about the way I react every time you talk about your wedding. I completely understand, but my stupid heart does not. May be I am not ready and may be I am not that strong. I am not scared of someone replacing me, I really am not. I am only scared of losing you. But I have thought a lot about this, and I want you to know that I will be alright. You see, I have realized you cannot lose someone who is a part of your soul.

More than anything, I want you to find that someone special, someone who understands you and someone who can give you all the happiness you truly deserve. I really want you to be the person I knew, and loved.

I have many things that I want to tell you, but that person doesn’t exist anymore. The one I see now is just a practical replica of the guy I knew. He is lost, for all purposes, lost beneath life and its harsh realities.

I do not know how to explain this to you, but I am going to try. Would you believe if I told you, everything I am today, is because of you? Would you believe it if I told you, I draw all my strength from you every single day in every single thing I do? If I told you, our love is an inspiration I will carry in my heart for a lifetime and in every tough situation life throws at me, I calm myself down and wonder what advice you will give me! I replay those lines of you telling me I can do anything I set my heart upon. You were never a realist when it came to me, you lit up my world with everything the world called “impossible”.

I just want to say this to you like you would tell me. I may have my 6th days of unpredictability and my impulses, but I still live my life the best I can. I want you to do the same, my love. Remember we had plans of conquering the world and doing everything we wanted to?

You are not doing that. You are working hard and getting ahead in your career, but you are also losing out on youth. I wish you find someone who can make aaloo parathas just as well as you do, but I also wish you would have the spontaneous urge to travel till Delhi and relish an authentic paratha just because you felt like it. I wish both for you , love— a wonderful partner and an appetite for life. I wish you regain your sense of wonder and find the child in you I fell in love with. Life is so unpredictable. We never know what tomorrow holds for us. All I ask from you is to not be the machine that you are now. I miss the guy you used to be. Nothing would make me happier than to see you living your life.

It might seem selfish the way I behave when this topic comes up, but trust me, I only want whatever makes you happy. But it still is too painful to talk about it, and I am not ready. You will never really know the times my eyes well up when I think about this — in odd places — on the bed, in the shower, at office meetings. But I actually feel good. It tells me I can feel too. You are the only person who makes me feel like that. You are the only person who can make my cry. It’s a nice feeling. A human feeling.

I think it’s part of the healing process. It is taking so many years. It has been so many years. We have something so special. This feeling of wishing you the best universe can offer, and feeling endless gratitude for our journey. This feeling I have is testimony of everything love is all about. I feel sad most people in the world go without that.

When people ask me how we can love someone and let them go, I have tried so hard to answer, there are so many things great writers have tried to articulate about loving and letting go. In the end, I just tell them they haven’t met someone like you. they haven’t been in a kind of love, that puts each other’s happiness above all. If they have, then it’s all quite simple, isn’t it? Just like you tell me, — “It’s all quite simple. Isn’t it? Love is quite simple, isn’t it?”

Yes, it is.